Monday, March 28, 2005

thank god for

Unfortunately, it happens to all women at least once. I, however, have been on the receiving end of it an embarrassing number of times (in the past). This realization caused me at least 5 minutes of emotional distress.

A lot of men have no damn clue about kissing!

How they sometimes go decades with no inkling of this has me baffled. Yes, there is the male ego to contend with. No doubt, the best looking ones have been tolerated for the way their faces look when not attached to someone else's. Sure, sex appeal glosses over a multitude of sins.

But if you're like me- say yay- a good makeout session is one of the biggest turn ons. Perhaps in fairness to the hairier sex, I need to take a walk on the smelly side ;P

There's just not a lot of information available. And when women are too timid to... fix the problem... where else can you guys turn but the Internet for anonymous advice of all kinds?

I would like to nominate to the Don Juan Hall of Shame the guy at who wrote this:

When you first meet a girl, shake her hand... kiss it gently on the top. This automatically takes you out of the friend zone & it drives girls crazy when you do this to show that you're a gentleman. It works. This makes you more charming as well & chicks dig charming guys.

Even better, the aptly named Blinky (over in a flash?) had this profound tip to offer you males out there who are floundering.

What you do is when you talk with a girl / woman you know a bit already or have some rapport with, you deliberately lace your sentences with sexual suggestions...

I've noticed from doing this, though, it drives them wild. They get sexual frusration, lol...

The girl always picks up on the sexual part of it & gets really confused by you, whether you are doing it on purpose, or whether it's just her dirty mind & she is really horny.

- Will you bring me off a copy of that essay tomorrow so I can have a look at it? I will be thinking about it all night if I don't get it.

- Was really busy yesterday. Went out. I was thinking bout you loads.

- Do you want to go to bed? You look really tired. I'm really tired too, as it goes.

God bless the school system that graduated that don juan (emphasis on the lower case) at a third grade level. Again, in all fairness, morbid tales such as these are nothing new. Many women, without a doubt, could use their share of lessons tonguing a grapefruit (note that I am not one of them!)

Pure badness itself is nothing new. In ancient mythology, Zeus loved them & left them (longing for his strange half-man/ half-animal shape) at an astounding rate. Enough to turn the be-wigged Warren Beatty from his path to oblivion.

The Fonz was an icon 20 years ago, yet we all know the kid who grew up as Henry Winkler did NOT get all the girls. Henry? c'mon... Winkler?? that's even worse!

Most inexplicable to me is the love story of Bogey & Bacall. I know he's a legend, but he looked more like a troll than a leading man! If I gotta go golden oldies, give me a young Marlon Brando. But take a listen to Howard Hawks, who directed B&B in To Have & Have Not:

When two people are falling in love with each other, they're not tough to get along with, I can tell you that. Bogie was marvelous. I said "You've got to help" & of course after a few days he really began to get interested in the girl. That made him help more. [Bacall] had to keep practicing for six to eight months to keep that low voice. Now, it's perfectly natural. And the funny thing is that Bogie fell in love with the character she played, so she had to keep playing it the rest of her life.

*m&m wants to faint in film noir.